call HART crazy .. but

Classic! FWD’ed to me via email from unknown source ….

Dear Employee:

ENJOY YOUR NEW OFFICE

* Not sure if you have seen your new office layout, but here it is! Due to federal budget cuts, this will be our new cubical and private office layout.

NEW EMPLOYEE POLICY

* PS Due to budget cuts … here is our new employee policy

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2012 – NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary:

* If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
* If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
* If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Pass this on to all who are employed!

Source: FWD to me – from my email InBOX!

call HART crazy .. but

Sometimes … when you just gotta “Get ‘er Done” … you might want to step back and think a little bit

Source: FWD in my email INbox

call HART crazy .. but

A Real Woman ..

A real woman is a man’s best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible ………

No wait… Sorry.

I’m thinking of whiskey.

It’s whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

call HART crazy .. but

*whew* … what a relief! Bob’s not deaf!!

Source: FWD in to my inbox

It has been known for a good many years that sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities.

Now after “original and proprietary” research the results are in:

Removing her clothes:
With her consent……………..12 calories
Without her consent…………..2,187 calories

Opening her bra:
With both hands……………..8 calories
With one hand……………….12 calories
With your teeth……………..485 calories

Putting on a condom:
With an erection…………….6 calories
Without an erection………….3,315 calories

Preliminaries:
Trying to find the clitoris…….8 calories
Trying to find the G spot………4,092 calories

Positions:
Missionary……………………12 calories
69 lying down…………………78 calories
69 standing up………………..812 calories
Wheelbarrow…………………..216 calories
Doggy style…………………..326 calories
Italian chandelier…………….2,912 calories

Orgasms:
Real…………………………112 calories
Fake…………………………1,315 calories

Post orgasm:
Lying in bed hugging……………18 calories
Getting up immediately………….36 calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately..816 calories

Getting a second erection:
If you are:
20-29 years…………………….36 calories
30-39 years…………………….80 calories
40-49 years…………………….124 calories
50-59 years…………………….1,972 calories
60-69 years…………………….7,916 calories
70 and over…………………….Results are still pending

Dressing afterwards:
Calmly………………………….32 calories
In a hurry………………………98 calories
With her father knocking at the door…5,218 calories
With your wife knocking at the door….13,521 calories

* Results may vary

Did you get your workout today?

Found at Silicon Investor

call HART crazy .. but

Only the Brits could air this on national television during Prime Time … The Spirit of Monty Python lives! Can you guess what this commercial is about?

Yep. Energy Efficient Lightbulbs .. by Greenpeace.org

Source: FWD mention in my eMail, found on YouTube

call HART crazy .. but

This is definitely “Full Disclosure”

You probably seen these many times before, either forwarded to your own email inbox .. maybe over on mIRC or some bulletin board back in the 1980′s … or reading Tablets just before you fell off your dinosaur .. and so on and so one!

Well, “They Don’t Make Them Like They Used To” .. and, that goes with for these type of old jokes!

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write “For Marijuana.”

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go..’

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And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
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14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It’s Called…THERAPY
Enjoy The Ride, Life is Short!!

Source: My Great Great Great Great Grandma’s FWD Inbox..

call HART crazy .. but

..rut roh ..

How Fights Start

Christmas Present

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

* And that’s when the fight started…..

Anniversary

I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

* And that’s when the fight started…..

Final Answer

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

* And that’s when the fight started….

Miller Light

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

* And that’s when the fight started……

High School Reunion

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her , ‘Do you know him?’

‘Yes,’ she sighed, ‘ He’s my old boyfriend…

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since..’

‘My God!’ I said, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

* And that’s when the fight started…

Car Accident

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

* And that’s when the fight started…

The Broken Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf … always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’

* And that’s when the fight started ….

(The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp)

call HART crazy .. but

.. this could be a true story …

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn’t start today, can’t figure out why, but at least I got laid.

call HART crazy .. but

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.’

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer..

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to ‘drop ‘em,’ which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed, ‘Where Are your testicles?’

The old Chief calmly replied, ‘ Vietnam’