Enjoy Your New Office! PS Due To Budget Cuts Here Is Our New Employee Policy

by HART (1-800-HART) on May 14, 2012 · 0 comments

in Humour (Other),Picture Worth 1000 Words

call HART crazy .. but

Classic! FWD’ed to me via email from unknown source ….

Dear Employee:

ENJOY YOUR NEW OFFICE

* Not sure if you have seen your new office layout, but here it is! Due to federal budget cuts, this will be our new cubical and private office layout.

9844

NEW EMPLOYEE POLICY

* PS Due to budget cuts … here is our new employee policy

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2012 – NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary:

* If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
* If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
* If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Pass this on to all who are employed!

Source: FWD to me – from my email InBOX!
update: Images (only) source back in 2006-2008 halbot.haluze.sk/?id=2684

Related Posts with Thumbnails
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Leave a Comment

*

Additional comments powered by BackType

Previous post:

Next post:

Google Analytics Alternative